Hellsing Keys
by Nisa-chan
Summary: A comical story that was based off the idea if the characters of the first few books ended up boarding in the Hellsing estate. Can Integ survive a house where pranks run rampid and no one respects your privacy?


Hellsing Parody; The Keys

I own nothing but the idea for the plot and my messed up way of seeing things. Not the characters, nore the setting. Cabbage? Great!! This was written for a laugh, hope it does its job!!

Sandy blond locks of hair swayed to and fro with the motions of her body, brushing against her shins as she stormed down the long elegant hallway to her room. Her gloved palms slammed the two doors apart with such force that they dented the walls behind them. The look in her eyes was as hot as white flames, her shoulders were up and tense enough to almost reach her jaw bone, fists clenched; she was pissed, for a lack of better words. This, for Sir Integral Windegates, Fairbrook, Hellsing wasn't anything new or out of the ordinary. Today however, she had a good reason to go on one of her spasm sessions. The young director had heard from a reliable source, if one could call Alucard; her Vampiric servant, a trust worthy source. That someone was in her personal bedchamber, and that said person was tearing through the place like a hurricane.

_Swiftly her memory swept the now enraged woman back, to when she'd first learned of the activities that had been taking place in her own room. It wasn't very early in the morning, there were still a few hours before lunch and the busy Knight had been in her office at her desk as perusal. _

_Then the room developed an eerie silence, as a cold creeping darkness began to make its way over to her, chasing all the light from the room except for the dim glower of lamp on her desk top. "Morning Master," the shadow whispered from behind her shoulder. Slightly taken aback by his rather forward actions this early in the day, Integra had jumped to her feet out of her chair. Only to have eerily long hands slither to her shoulders and reseat her from behind. "Calm yourself Sir Integra, it's only me. Or is that what your afraid of?" the voice taunted suggestively. Doing as she was told Integra relaxed letting the roaming hands play with her long soft hair._

"_State your business Alucard, I haven't neither the time nor the patience." The woman's voice was cold and without a hint of weakness. But he saw through his Master's games, he gazed at the speed of the blood as it pumped through the veins in her neck below his fingertips. A lustful grin split his features before he morphed out from the shadows to stand by her side. _

"_I bring a report on the activities of our new… friends whom you let board with us." his tone was both annoyed and acusive, as if he believed she'd done it for the pleasure of making him miserable._

"_And, continue." she prompted, now that she had abandoned the present task of paper work and given the impatient Vampire her full attention._

"_Remember the fat, annoying one I told you to stay away from?" his voice tried and failed to suppress a chuckle. The crimson undead watched her intently; curious as to how his Master would react to his next bit of news. All he received was a slow nod, and more prompting hand gestures. "Well, he's presently found your bedroom and," he paused only to hold up a pair of black laced panties," I didn't even know you had these." Now he was laughing at her, almost uncontrollably, like he did when something cruelly ironic happened. It didn't help that she was reddening either, and he didn't stop, even as she began thundering down the hallway. What the blindly embarrassed director failed to see, because of her hasty escape was her servant walk into the opaque shadow to receive the smack of another's hand in triumph. _

When she had burst through those doors he had frozen in place not unlike a deer in the headlights, as though if he were still enough she wouldn't notice him there. He had tried to not let his body freeze or tense, but when the high choler of his white trench coat hit the back of his head he knew he'd failed. Not wanting her to notice how scared he really was, he continued to tare through her dresser drawers like it was nothing. When she didn't seem to be going anywhere he began trying to come up with a decent excuse as to why he was here, the real reason was defiantly something the short blond couldn't utter in front of her. Anyone but her, it was awkward enough because of his position and rank but this was too much. When he caught a hold of that little brat who'd done this, the Nazi swore he'd have sweet vengeance. That was however, only if he survived this encounter with the scariest woman he had ever had the pleasure or displeasure, he wasn't sure which yet, of meeting.

Truly, when angered she was something out of a horror movie or a better description yet, a mafia; you'd never know what that crazed Protestant Knight would do to you. Besides her horrible temper, if one could get underneath that thick shell and really see her for what she was, which only so few had; himself included. She was an amazingly beautiful, strong minded woman. She would never hear it from him though, if so her ego would crash through the roof, and getting her into these fits of rage were just too entertaining to pass up or give to anyone else. These instances of pissing her off, were of his many favorite aspects of having a relationship like this with her; being allies.

Chuckling to himself, the Nazi did an incredible job of ignoring her glaring daggers into the back of his neck. She waited with her arms crossed defensively over her chest, tapping her foot on the ground in front of her, body weight resting on one side of her hip with which she leaned against the door frame. Finally once she'd become tired of waiting and being ignored she cleared her throat rather loudly to gain his attention. "Oh shize..." he began "I can explain."

A sadistic grimace split her cheeks, "Please do..." her teeth were clenched along with the rest of her body, still tapping that same beat she always did when she was angry with him, he could have sworn he'd seen a vain pop in her forehead.

At this point he was slightly desperate to escape her fierce sky-blue eyes. Turning to face her, his cheeks gave hint to a tint of red as he attempted to explain himself, "Vell..." his German accent thick as he spoke halfway to the ceiling rather than to her, "you see my dear fraulein..." It was after that, because he was panicking now, that he began to speak at such speeds; the words were at the point of inaudibility. The last words the British noble understood were, "...and that ist vhy I am here." Appearing so ashamed at confessing the actual truth for once, the Major thought she'd take it easy on him, he was greatly mistaken. However, she was no longer tense with rage and was now as clueless as Serias Victoria in..., well anywhere. Go figure half the cast were blonds, yet she was the only stupid one.

"Come again?" Was her only response, including loosing her aggressive stance. The Major simply took this as a good thing, rolled his eyes as though she were stupid and went back to rummaging through her drawers. He might have gotten away with this treason had he only not rolled his eyes, now she was back to the rage; which seemed to be a close companion of hers.

Moments later the manly natured woman began scanning the room for a weapon, when she found nothing particularly sharp or pointy she was forced to settle on a pillow with which to thwack him, at the fault of not searching the scabbard that adorned her belt. After a few dozen repetitions of this, the Nazi was quiet fed up, "vhy you, pesky wench!" he started to curse before her second set of pillow assaults connected with their target, which just so happened to be his head, shutting him up rather quickly.

A short time later they were fighting full force, swords drawn, and insults still cutting the silence, now in time with their blades. It seemed to go on forever, both of them accusing the other of being in the wrong. It took the light hearted sounding laughter to pause their quarrel. On the Lady Hellsing's bed, nibbling on a rather large chocolate chip cookie was no less than Shichirodinger. The childishly vain werewolf was lying on his side, head propped up by his free hand, wearing his usual shorts and uniform facing them. He couldn't help but laugh at the argumentative pair from behind his golden blond bangs and clear, innocent looking light blue eyes.

The two were silent, Integra because she had forgotten her rage since it was a short lived thing; easy come easy go, with the right motivation, and the Major because this was the little bugger who'd set him up in the first place.

Ceasing his laughter, the young man swung his upper body into a sitting position, wiping the cookie crumbs off his clothes onto the bed disrespectfully, one of three mental restraints snapped in the back of Integ's mind. Still with that light hearted smile the Chief closed his eyes like a small child, plopping the remains of the biscuit into his open fanged mouth. A moan of pleasure at the sweets' taste echoed through the silent room and with a lick of his lips, which smeared chocolate across the side of his chin, he had leaped off the bed with the agility of an acrobat landing two feet in front of the two who were both ready to snap at any moment. "Find the keys to her heart yet, Heir Major?" The puppy replied in a mocking tone, tilting his head to one side, his face showed no sign of any emotion other than the carefree nature of a child. Not yet satisfied with their present rage, the misleadingly cute pup bent down taking the front of the Nazi leader's white trench coat. Again that devilish grin, before raising it to his lips and wiping his face with it as thou it were a mere napkin. A brown splotch now soiled the Major's once cleanly kept uniform.

Another restraint split in the Major and Hellsing Director's patience, "How dare you/" was all the spectacled German got out when he was interrupted by the absurdly brave soldier.

"Maybe if your belly didn't stick out so far, it wouldn't have been the easiest thing to reach?" after a relaxed shrug, the innocent smile manifested into a condescending smirk that beckoned for a challenge in authority.

That signaled the brake of the last cord, now the gloves were coming off, the last straw had been drawn, the bastard child was going to get the discipline the Major was regretting never giving him in the first place. The two adversaries threw a glance at each other, their once stone faces upturned into sadistic smiles as they nodded and aimed their blades at their new opposition. Diving onto the bed on all fours as he began to make his escape with the other two at his heels, Shichiro bounded just out of their reach into the air in a full back flip above them. "Not gonna catch me! I'm everyvhere and novhere! An overveight Major and his pet, get me?" He giggled, as he flew over them. During an attempt to turn around, Lady Hellsing lost her footing when her legs hit the side of her bed and felt herself falling. Her partner caught her around the waist in an attempt to raise her up. Which lead to the bashful pair staring each other in the eye, near nose to nose, far too close for either of their own personal comforts.

On his way to getting his own feet securely on the ground, the Ware-child kicked his commanding officer in the back, causing him to complete his decent. Once they commanders reopened their eyes, their faces were twice as red as before. The shorter blond Nazi was hovering over the taller Hellsing Director, his arm trapped around her waist as they lay on her bed. For the first time the woman who he'd always known as the business suit type, actually felt like a woman. Which was impossible to see through, once she wore her normal attire, not to mention her indifference to sexual references didn't help much. Yet here she was, lying in his arms with her gorgeous dark blond hair splayed out above her head. His arm could, to his astonishment, feel the curves of a feminine figure beneath the thick cloth of her jacket and her heavy breathing made her rising and falling chest visible.

There was only the sound of the pesky Shich's uncontrolled laughter to break the silence. On account of their present situation, they were too concerned with the other to complete the once sought after vengeance on the blond pup.

"Aoooh, poor Major." The child taunted, "Using me to get to her, vhat a soap opera." Scampering over to the doors, which somehow had closed; most likely due to the force with which they had been opened, swung back and repositioned themselves. "You may not have been able to catch me, but I do believe _they_ have caught you!"

In horror the to commanders' gazes shot toward the doors, "Oh/" the curse never had the chance to pass Integra's lips since there in the doorway, stood the rest of the residence of the household. Most of them were laughing or rather, trying to suppress doing so. Then there was Walter, who looked like the blood rushing to his head would burst every vain and artery in rage.

"Lady Ingeral/" he began before being interrupted by the very person the name belonged to. The elderly butler stared down at her; she could only imagine what punishment he was coming up with.

"Do you enjoy taking a sick pleasure in regressing me back to childhood dear Walter?" her words came out just as she'd planned; sarcastic. All before he could say her full name; she hated it when people called her by her full name. It had never meant anything good, it was only spoken when one was either mocking her or planned to kill her. The once confident Knight was so relieved that she didn't sound embarrassed or defensive, since at that moment she wasn't sure she really was thinking like her cold articulate self. She hadn't even thought to push the opposing commander off yet, which is what she would have done normally. Yes, simply send him flying into the next nearest hard object, continuously shout curses and order everyone out of her room. They were all used to her being this way, when she wasn't, something was terribly wrong.

Shocked by how defensive she'd become, Walter stared at her concerned, she was after all his little girl; in more ways than one. "No my lady, I do not." Thin lines shone in the air before disappearing behind him as he made his way over to the apparent couple. Then, quickly before the Major could refuse the butler's assistance, several of the thin wires had secured themselves around his ankle. Reluctantly the bespectacled Nazi was indented into the far wall of the room as Walter sat down beside Integra.

"Zat must've hurt." the French captain of the Wield Geese chuckled as he indented his face to his palm as his fingers scattered his bangs over his eye. Turning to his right he saw a traumatized Serias Victoria, she was wide eyed with her mouth ajar, leaning back on one foot as though she was ready to turn and bolt. Another kind laugh as Verndread placed one hand on the back of her head, the other between her shoulder blades. He then pulled her head to his chest to shield her from the sight; she wrapped her arms around his waist, burying her face in his shirt. "She's just in denial." He reassured the others with a pat on her back and a wave of his hand.

Right," Luke rolled his eyes, as he gave Verndread an accusing look that screamed ulterior motives. Leaning back to back with his younger brother Jan he finished with his back to the two solders, "aren't you as honest as hell is happy." Running an elegant hand through his long blond hair he rolled his eyes and walked away, convinced the scene was about to get cancerously gushy. "Coming brother?"

With a bittersweet smile, the artificial vampire glanced back at the woman who was presently being lectured to death by her nanny. Without a sound the dark haired man ran off in pursuit of his incredibly vain sibling.

Seconds later Zorin also slinked off, her eyes hungry and her grin spreading like a forest fire ready to happen, why remain here when there was havoc to be made, minds to corrupt and flesh to be severed? Especially when the only ones who could stop her; Hellsing and her Leader, were perfectly distracted right here. Nearly giving herself away with the urge to a fit of malicious laughter, the masculine vampress's hand darted to her mouth to silence herself and then was gone.

Still resting himself by the door frame, Shich was beaming with pride. The prank had worked out perfectly, the once obnoxious superiors had been humbled and the place was a chaos of war and accusations. Heck, thanks to him, there was even a possibility of a rebellion; what with Zorin on the loose and the Valentine brothers not under tight surveillance. "I bet Integra has lost a least 25 respect points for being chastised, and Major's lost 37 for being seen as a rapist!" applauding his efforts, the young soldier headed for the door. He knew he'd have to get back to his game soon, it had become a slight new addiction, why not? He was able to mess with people's heads all day! That and he had almost beaten his record achieving everything there was on Sims Urbz, that and if he left _her_ any longer she'd kill him. Just then he caught scent of the only female in the werewolf squad and his blood ran cold.

The tall willowy woman in a black business suit flew down the hall raving, arms thrashing out in all directions. "Shichiro, vhere have you gone? I can't stay on pause forever! You said you only had to use the little puppy's room!"

Shich's ears drooped in defeat, "Damn..." Heading down the hall opposite to the way Rip was coming, he shot for the door. He had to get out of this melee before it dragged him into its folds; if she saw him here she'd flip. Not to mention tell everyone that he'd caused this, though they'd know anyway if the bump on the head the Major had received wasn't hard enough. With all this in mind he reached the door, about the same time Rip's eyes reached his. He paused, "shize".

It was around this time that Integra noted the ruckus, with a quick and silent hand gesture to Walter; they left the room to investigate. Not long after, as soon as the not so able bodied Nazi was able to free himself from the wall, he joined them at the door's frame. Each peeking their noses round the corner as they lay witness to Shich receiving a harsh smothering from Rip, he had been caught and one thing that one should never do is to lie to Rip van Winkle… especially if she believed herself to be your Mother.

"Well now that that's cleared up…" the Director began, now that she had managed to clear everyone out of her once overpopulated room, "it seems the pup set us up, but he's not intelligent enough for this". It was true that the Werewolf could sneak into just about anywhere undetected, but how would he have known the estate well enough to find her room? And what of the Major, what had happened to him that could have trapped him here to await her wrath? Turning to face the short blond she asked him, "now, why were you here? I don't want any stories, just what you're looking for."

"Alvight, I entered your forbidden lair to recollect my…" again he turned four shades of red, Integra swore she may have even seen some blue, probably anger or some type of mortification. " It's the keys, to mein Zeppelin, the little bugger stole them and now they're hidden in the depths of your drawers."

"So that's what he meant by the _keys_ to my heart." With that she chuckled, told him that if she ever found him in her room again, and that she'd let Alucard loose on his men while they slept. That or she'd create a recurrence of the 'Gluttonous Glasses of Doom and Dismemberment'; those spectacles had nearly ended all sanity as they knew it the last time they had been released. Cookie batter, and baked goods _period_ had left her terrified for months later and her friends never fell under the same light again. She had nearly killed a dozen Girl-guides because she was convinced they were assassins here to eat them. But that was at the bottom of the Protestant's to-do-list, she'd rather let this escapade die down the drain before starting another one. All she had to do now was find those blasted keys…

Just another social war for the Hellsing Estate.


End file.
